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The Light Behind Your Eyes ((AU Sadstuck))

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// So this is literally one of the first things I've wrote, so I apologize for any errors and stuff, also warning for those that might be triggered by this: #sadstuck #depression #suicide If you don't like it, you don't have to read it, cause I was nice enough and warned you, so... Anyway I hope you enjoy this I guess







remember all the times I spent with him. All the laughs and smiles we shared. I remember waking up every morning just to talk to him on Pesterchum and staying up late to talk to him, when we couldn’t spend the day together. I remember the exact moment I fell in love with him. A part of me knew I shouldn’t but I did anyway, and I fell for him hard. I remember the day I confessed my feeling for him and he told me felt the same. I remember the day it all went down. The day I lost the only one I ever loved and ever will love, Dirk Strider. My name is John Egbert and this is the time I fell in love with my best friend’s brother and then lost him.


Chapter 1


4 months earlier~


The sound of my Pesterchum woke me up. I slowly grabbed my phone and say it was from Dirk. I opened the message and say he wanted me to meet up with him at a coffee shop down the street in 15 minutes.

I got myself out of bed and put on some clothes and walked out the door, excited to see Dirk. It has been months since we have been able to get together and see each other. He told me he was flying in to visit me for a couple days, before heading home, so I was going to enjoy every moment with him as I could.

As I walked closer to the coffee shop I saw Dirk standing there, pacing back and forth. As I got closer he saw me and smiled. I ran to him and he embraced me in a hug. It felt so good to be in his arms again.


    “Hey lil’ man, its been awhile.”

    “It’s been too long if you ask me.”

    “Ya it has…” He got really quiet after that so I decided to change the subject.

    “Should be go inside now or..?”

“Ummm...ya lets go in.” He says, as he opens up the door for me and I smile.


    I walked in and found us a table as Dirk went and ordered us some coffee. I felt like something was wrong and something was bothering but I couldn’t tell what it was. I watched as Dirk brought over with two cups and sat down across from me, and handed me my cup.


    “I got you the same thing as me, I hope you don’t mind..” He said as he looked down at his cup

    “Dirk I never mind, don’t worry.”

    “Okay…”


We sat in silence for a while, just looking at each other and drinking our coffee. It seemed Dirk was wanting to talk, but couldn’t figure out what to say. Finally he put down his coffee and looked me straight in the eyes.


“John...we need to talk.”

“Oh...okay..What about..?”

“Well...I ummm know this will be hard to handle but, I’m in love with someone else, and I just really wanna be with them and I wanna be with you, but its just…”

Tears filled my eyes. I knew where this was leading. I knew what this meant. I knew it meant I was losing Dirk. I was going to lose the one I love.

    I stood up with tears streaming down my face and looked at Dirk.


    “I understand...go take care and love this fellow…” I said as I got up and started to walk away.

    “John, wait..please.” Dirk said, as tears rolled down his face.


    I turned around and faced Dirk as he pulled me into his arms.


    “John, I still love you okay, I still wanna be with you, cause I love you so damn much lil’ man, but I also love this guy a lot too. I want to be with you both..”

    “Be with him Dirk, cause if you loved me, you won’t have fallen in love with him. I just want you to remember everything and most of all just remember….I’ve always love you, no matter what shit you put me through and no matter what the fuck you are going through…” I pulled away from Dirk after I spoke and walked out crying.


I walked out and started to walk back to my apartment, and I could hear Dirk calling my name and turned around and one point and saw him crying, but I turned back around and kept on walking.



Chapter 2


4 months later~


I lied in bed, staring at the ceiling. I know its been 4 months since we ended our relationship, but it just hurt worse and worse everyday. My heart hurts so badly and I just can’t seem to go on without Dirk. I’ve had Dave come over a few times and he’s told me about Dirk’s new boyfriend.

His name’s Jake and he’s apparently from England. He met Dirk through some friends and they just talked up a storm I guess. Lucky bastard is all I have to say about Jake. He’s so fucking lucky that he has Dirk. He better hold him close and love him with all his heart, cause if he doesn’t and he hurts Dirk, I will kick his sorry British ass back to England.

Lately, I’ve ignored the fact when Dave comes over. I just lie around in bed all day, just staring at the ceiling or rereading old conversations. I started to cry again and before I knew what I was doing I dragged myself out of bed.

I walked over to the bathroom and closed the door and locked it. I grabbed out a razor and placed it on my arm and pulled it across. The pain it caused hurt but also just felt so good. I did it again and before I knew it my whole arm was covered in cuts, with blood flowing out. I smile and slowly start to wrap my arm up and throw on a jacket.

For once I leave my room and find Dave sitting on my couch.


“How the fuck did you get in here?”

“Oh well its ironic really. I picked your lock.”

“So you broke in then, is that what you are telling me?”

“Well when you put it that way, but yes I did.”


I watch as he sits there watching my favorite movie Con Air. I go over and grab the remote and turn the tv off. Dave looks up, and he looks kinda pissed off.


“What the hell was that for?”

“Get out of my apartment Dave.”

“John you need to get out and get some air…” You cut him off

“Get the hell out of my place Dave now!”


Dave slowly gets up and walks out the door, but before he leaves he touches my arm and looks me in the eyes. I hold back a scream as he holds the arm I just cut a little bit ago.


“John, listen, I know you loved and still do love Dirk, but you have to move on with your life, let someone else in and get out of here and feel the fresh air. Dirk won’t want you to be this way and you know it. Go one with you life.”

“I know, but its hard to, I love him Dave, okay, I love him so damn much, but he’s moved on and I’m still here being all lovesick and shit, cause I really did love him and I thought he loved me too.”

“John he did and I’m pretty sure he still does, he just has Jake now and you need to move on, I know its hard but you need to.”


I break down in tears and fall to the ground and look up at Dave.


“Dave...I can’t...Okay I can’t. I love him, he’s the only one I’ve ever loved and I thought...I thought we’d be together forever...that I’d...marry...him….someday…”


Dave sits down beside me and pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. I just sob my eyes out and I pull my arms across my chest. I cry myself to sleep in Dave’s arms.

I wasn’t sure how long I was asleep, but I woke up with Dave still holding me, but we were lying on the couch and my jacket is on the floor. Dave was wide awake and I noticed my arm had new bandages on it. I looked up at Dave and he was looking down at me.


“John, you’re awake, good. We need to have a talk.”

“Dave I didn’t want to fucking do it okay, I just did it and I liked it so I kept doing it and I’m so sorry okay..”

“John, you are getting out of the house, now end of story. I won’t let you waste your life and just throw it all away. And Dirk, sure as hell wouldn’t want you to do that.”


Before I have a chance to protest, Dave picks me up and carries me out of my apartment and out of the building altogether. I cover my eyes as we go outside, as it’s been several months since I last saw the sun, neverless been outside. Dave continues to carry me until we get to his car and he puts me down inside and shuts the door. He walks over and gets in on the other side and starts up the car and starts to drive off.

We sit in silence for a while until I have the guts to ask Dave where we are going.


“Dave..where are we going?”


He ignores me and continues to drive. After driving for almost half of the day he answers my question.

“We are going to see my brother.”

“God no, Dave please anywhere but there. I can’t bare to see him and have him see me like this. Please don’t.”

“No, I’m done dealing with you sulking broken hearted shit. And after what you did to yourself, you are going to see him and he is going to see you, whether you like it or not. John you need to stop all this bullshit. I understand you love him and all, but its been 4 months move on! Or at least grow up!! God..”


I sat there shocked and hurt at what Dave said. I sat there for the rest of the ride looking out the window staring at the once familiar sightings in silence. Memories started to hit me as we got closer. I saw a park bench where me and Dirk shared our first kiss. And then I saw the diner we went to as a lunch date. It hurt so much, I could feel my heart breaking even more, if it was even possible.

We pulled up to Dirk’s house and I saw an unfamiliar vehicle there. I knew it must be Jake’s. Great just great. Dave stopped the car and turned off the ignition. He got out and walked to my side and opened the door. I sat there not wanting to get out.


    “John we can do this the easy way or the hard way you decide.”

    “Fine…”


    I got out of Dave’s car and followed Dave up to the front door. He knocked twice and I heard a faint voice on the other side. The door swung open and standing there was Dirk.


“Hey lil’ bro come on….”


He stopped mid-sentence when he saw me. He looked at Dave and asked,

“What the hell is he doing here?!”

“Good to see you too Dirk..” I say.

“God John, I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant this is a surprise.”

“You’re telling me..”


    An awkward silence fills between us until I hear a British accent and see arms wrap around Dirk.


“Dirk, love who’s at the door?”

“My brother and his friend John.”


    I see a face appear out from behind Dirk to see who’s outside. I see Jake smile and nod at Dave, and Dave does the same back. For me on the other hand, Jake inspects me from head to toe, as if I’m from another world. Finally he takes one of his hands and extends it out to me.


    “Hello chap, I’m Jake English, you must be John correct? It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

    “Hello, and yes I am John, pleasure to meet you too..” I say shaking his hand.

“Come on in you guys, I was just about to leave to go get some things for Dirk and I.”


    Suddenly Dave spoke up, as we walked into Dirk’s house and asked,


    “Can I go with you Jake, you might need some help.”

“Well I guess, that is okay. Is that okay with you Dirk?”


Dirk smiled and nodded and kissed Jake on the cheek and watched Dave and Jake leave before turning to me and embracing me in a hug. I hugged him back as tight as I could. Oh how I longed to hug him again.

He pulled away from the hugs and kissed my cheek, and I blushed slightly.


“God, how I’ve missed you John.”

“I’ve missed you too Dirk, its been too long.”


We stood there awkwardly for a few minutes just staring at each other. He was staring me down, just as Jake did, but when he did it, it was more of a checking me out thing and not whatever Jake was doing. He stopped when he saw my arm all bandaged. He gently touched my arm and I flinched. He slowly started to unwrap the bandage Dave did and I tried to pull away. He kept wrapped his free arm around my waist so I couldn’t go anywhere. He continued to unwrap the bandage, until the cuts were visibly seen.  He just started at my cuts for the longest time, before he looked up at me with tears rolling down his face.


“J-john….why did you...do it..?”

“What else was I supposed to Dirk? You left me and fell in love with someone else while I was still in love with you, and I still am. I had so much I wanted to do with you.”

“John...don’t you think I don’t still care about you, or love you. Cause if that’s what you think you’re fucking wrong. I still am in love with you...a..”


I cut him off before he could finish I didn’t want to hear his bullshit anymore I was done. I was done hearing people speak the lies.


“Just shut up Dirk, just shut the fuck up. If you loved me at all you won’t have fallen in love with anyone else! I’m done with you bullshit, all I wanted was to be with you forever and I wanted to fucking marry you someday okay! Now you’ll go off and marry Jake, and don’t fucking deny it cause I see the way you look at him. You love him and he loves you. I’m done, and tell Dave I went home cause I’m done with you and your shit. And to think I ever loved you…”

“John….wait…”


I stormed out of his house and started running. I was running as fast as I could and as far away from his house as I could. Tears were streaming down my face. I just did the one thing I thought I’d never do. I told off the one I loved and became a heartbreaker…



Chapter 3


2 weeks later~


After the incident with Dirk, I moved farther away and hidden so no one could find me. I wanted to be alone. I was done with people, especially Striders. All they were, were a bunch of heartbreakers.

Since the incident I started to cut myself on a daily basis. My arms had so many cuts and scars, it looked as if that’s always how my arms looked. I never tried to bandage them up, I just left them the way they were. I could care less if they got an infection and I died. Dying seems better than living in this hell. My heart ached and I wish I could have Dirk. I haven’t been on Pesterchum in forever afraid to see what everyone is saying. Today though was different, I decided to take a chance and get on. I didn’t have a lot of messages, just a few from Rose and several from Dave. I also had many from Dirk, and one from Jake. I ignored Jake’s and Dirk’s messages and read Rose’s and Dave’s. I was going to get off and just go one with my life.

What life though. I have no life now. Having a life means having something or someone to live for and I have nothing to live for. All my friends only care cause I’m going through a depression like state, from heartbreak, and the only one I would ever consider living for isn’t even mine anymore. My life is over. I have no reason in living. I should just die and I’ll finally be at peace. No more heartbreaks, and no more pain. No more sorrow and hurting. No feelings at all.

I clicked on Dirk’s Pesterchum and decided to send him and Dave a message, a goodbye message before I ended it all.


EB: hey dirk, well i’ve decided to say goodbye, not only to you, but to life in general. i can’t do it, i can’t live life without you so why live at all. you are all i’ve ever cared about and loved and after my dad died, i thought...i thought my life was over and then i met you and you changed that, then you left me too...everyone leaves me in the end….every time i love someone i lose them….i fucking lose them and i have no chance of ever getting them back…..i love you and I always will love you dirk, but you’ll never feel the same way, and don’t say you’ve loved me or love me cause you can’t love me and jake, you can only truly be in love with one person. all i will say is don’t screw up with jake like you did with me...love you…..thanks for everything….


I closed out of Dirk’s and opened up Dave’s to say a goodbye to my best friend. I wasn’t going to leave this hell of a life without telling my best friend goodbye, it just wasn’t right at all.


EB: hey dave...well looks like this is it...i’m done with life...i can’t deal with this pain and all the shit off this life...i’m sorry….it’s not your fault and you’ve been one hell of a friend, and i thank you for that. i’m sorry for this, but its all i can do….


I sent Dave the message and went to grab some pills and water. I swallowed down as much pills as I could and went back into my room and saw I had 2 new messages, both from Dave.


TG: john don’t do this please, suicide isn’t the answer..

TG: goddammit john please answer and don’t do it...I ummm love you okay..don’t do this...please for me don’t do it

EB: too late i’ve already choked down some pills, this is it my friend

EB: and don’t speak of the bullshit of telling me you loved me that won’t even save me, even if i didn’t take pills already

EB: goodbye dave

TG: god no john please don’t

TG: i’m not lying i love you okay, i always have but you had dirk

TG: john please answer

TG: JOHN!!!


    I closed out of Pesterchum on my phone and lied down in bed and thought through my life up to this point. It had its ups and downs. I remember being with Dirk, before we started dating, when I first came out and told everyone I was gay. I remember when I first told Dirk, I told him I liked Dave..,but Dave never returned the feels so I figured he was straight or something, but in the process of trying to get Dave to like me turned more into falling head over heels in love with Dirk. That’s how my relationship with Dirk started and it went downhill from there.

As memories came flooding back, I felt my eyelids getting heavy. I felt the world ending and suddenly, I felt as if I should live, like I wanted to live, but it was too late my time was done. I said goodbye to the world and I was gone for good.



Chapter 4


2 months later-Dave’s perspective~


Two months have passed since John killed himself. Two months since I not only lost my best friend, but ironically the one I loved. Today is John’s funeral. All his friends have come, everyone except Dirk, which is strange and very rude, in my opinion.

I remember finding him, after he killed himself. I got there too late. He was already gone. He looked like he was asleep and he looked happy, and I haven’t seen him happy since he was with my douchebag of a brother Dirk.

I wish I could have warned him about Dirk, but I never got the chance. Dirk was out to break his heart from the beginning, it was obvious. Dirk is a world class heart breaker, it changed when he met Jake, and they got married, or at least are going to get married.Dirk took it too far, and had someone kill themselves and he doesn’t have the guts to show up for their own fucking funeral, how dare he.

I could have treated John so much better and I never would have hurt him, if only I spoke up and told him when I had the chance, but now its too late, I lost my chance, and now I’ll never get another chance.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat down beside Rose, who pulled me into a hug and told me it would be okay. I hope she’s right, cause this sure as hell fucking hurts to lose the one you love and never know how they truly felt.

The funeral started and finished just like that. I told John goodbye, but I didn’t want to. He died too young, he had a whole life ahead of him, he could have gotten married, got a job, went to college maybe, grow old and then died a happy death with the one he loves holding him close.

After the funeral and after John was buried into the ground I placed a rose on top of his grave and walked to his place, crying. I started to pack up his things and clean up his place, since I knew no one else would when I came across a journal. Bored and tired of packing and cleaning and also tired from crying, I sat down and opened up the journal and started to read, it was written by John and for the most part it just talked about his childhood and his father’s death when he was younger. Then I came across an entry he made talking about him coming out and how he liked...me..? No that came back he liked Dirk, never me, he would have told me if he did right? The entry though was saying otherwise,


Well today was another shitty fail attempt of a day. I went over to Dave’s house and played video games with him and attempted to grab his hand, but all he did was think I was trying to make him lose the fucking game. I then later tried to kiss him goodbye (I know cheesy but whatever) when I left, but he closed the door before I had the chance. This is hopeless, he doesn’t like me, he probably isn’t even gay. I will just be forever alone as a fucking nerd, who loves Nic Cage.  I guess all Striders as everyone says are just players and heart breakers, and shit if they are so fucking stupid and blind to see when someone likes them, maybe even loves them….Oh god no I can’t love Dave can I…? Shit I’m screwed...my life is over….I have fallen for a Strider…..and I’ve fallen hard….


After I read that page, I finally understood how blind I was, I was blind and didn’t know Egbert was hitting on me. If only I noticed I could have saved him. He could still be here and he would be mine. I screwed up, this is all my fault.

I threw the journal down and started to cry again. I stopped cleaning up his place for the day and headed home to where Dirk was. Dirk and I were going to have a nice chat about John and his funeral, cause I was not letting this just pass. I got home and walked in to see Dirk was sitting on the couch making out with Jake, go figure. I cleared my throat and they both stopped and looked at me.


‘Dirk, we need to talk, now.”

    “Okay lil’ man what is it?”

    “No, we need to talk alone.


    “Fine, whatever.”


Dirk got up and I led him out of the living room to our kitchen. As we walked in he looked at me, and asked what I needed to talk to him about. I looked at him straight in the eyes and lost it.


“How could you fucking do that? How could you fucking date and break up with John like he was nothing? All you are is a heartbreaker, and you took it too far this time Dirk. John fucking killed himself. He committed suicide, cause he loved you! He was in love with you and all you did was break his heart. If you were going to do that, you shouldn’t have started a relationship with him. I could have been there, he could have been with me. Because goddamnit Dirk, I was and I am in love with him. Yes he can be nerdy but that’s what makes him so fucking adorable and all you are is too obsessed with being a player and just want to see other’s hurt and crying. You are a complete asshole and then what makes you more of an asshole you didn’t even show up for his funeral, instead you over here making out with Jake, the one you left John for to be with. The fucking reason why he is dead!!


Tears were pouring down my face. I was sobbing and I couldn’t stand it. I broke down and crashed to the floor, cursing at myself and Dirk. I wanted John back, I wanted him to be alive so I could be with him forever, and treat him better than Dirk ever did and ever would.

Dirk looked down at me and tears were pouring down his face. He sat down beside me and hugged me. He took off his shades and truly looked at me, his bright orange eyes staring at me.

“D-dave...I’m sorry….I had no idea that’s how you felt and I didn’t mean to hurt John….I loved him, I really truly did, but I also loved  Jake, and I knew I couldn’t have both of them, it just won’t work out. I didn’t know what to do, but I feel so fucking awful, cause I had no idea you loved him, if I did, I could have...maybe helped prevent this...I could have saved him...I didn’t think he’d kill himself…..I didn’t want him to die...I still love him okay….I couldn’t go to the funeral...it...it hurt to much knowing I’d have to see him lying in a box dead, and never coming back…”


“No...you’re lying you never loved John, and you never will. You love Jake, not John. You could care less about John. Your….your probably happy John is dead, happy you don’t have him in your life. And I know you could give two shits about my life, I mean you never cared about it up to this point so why act like it now.”


Dirk looked at me and slapped me across the face. Dirk has never one to be too violent except when we’d strife every once in a while, but besides that he wasn’t a violent person. I was shocked and hurt that he would hit me, but at the same time I guess I deserved it.


“Don’t you ever, say I didn’t love him cause you are dead wrong. It hurt me to tell him I loved Jake and to literally end my relationship with him Dave, it killed me okay. I hated knowing the pain and shit I was putting him through. And second, I do care about you and I’m sorry it seemed like I was never there for you, but I had no idea how to raise a kid, okay. I was trying my best so don’t throw that shit in my face.”


I looked at him and cursed and mumbled some things under my breathe and got up off the kitchen floor and ran to my room and locked the door. I heard Dirk chase after me, and pounding on my door, but I wasn’t letting him in. I was done with his shit and I was done with life. I was done I couldn’t handle it anymore. The one I loved was gone and I had no one else left, no one at all.

    I took off my shades and placed them down on my nightstand. I glanced in the mirror and saw my blood red eyes staring back at me, and thinking how John never got to see them, and how he never would. I wiped my eyes and collapsed on my bed, staring at the ceiling before falling asleep to the sound of Dirk yelling, and my thoughts slowly consuming me. Now that John was gone, my life was over. I missed my chance, and now I must face the punishment, to live my whole life without him...


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